Barely Lasting
by The Dark Flair
Summary: Depression is an ugly monster. Kairi's known this for a while. -Written for a friend who thinks I'm better at venting for his sis than she is-


**This was written for a friend of mine. I adapted it to fit KH because…why not?**

 **XXX**

 **Barely Lasting**

Her life felt like it was crumbling to pieces. She was doing everything wrong, but she didn't understand why or how. It was like she was in the middle of war; getting attacked from all sides. But the attacks that hit the hardest were the ones she made against herself.

 _God Kairi, why's your hair always in a ponytail?_

 _Be original with your hair._

 _You're so basic…_

Kairi got tired of hearing that. She liked her ponytail because it made her feel safe, in a way. Wearing her hair down made her feel vulnerable. She told her friends that she didn't like wearing other styles because it attracted too much attention. That was only partly true.

Her hair was already a natural vibrant red. People always wanted to play in it, but she just wanted to be left alone. She liked the sense of security a tight ponytail brought her. It was simple, just like her.

Or maybe not. Kairi was a very complex individual, constantly at war with herself. No one ever knew this because they always judged her for every little thing she did and assumed that she was just an oversensitive, self-centered brat.

 _Let me do your make up! You'll look so pretty!_

Didn't she always look pretty? Xion would always tell her that she was single because she didn't wear it or single because of several other reasons. No, she was single because she didn't want a boyfriend. The constant onslaught of meaningless, dry texts, the fake smiles, the guilt she felt when she looked into her ex's eyes and realized he was so in love with her...but she could only fake the emotions for him.

Once upon a time she thought she did love Sora. But they had broken up and gotten back together so many times that it wasn't funny. After their last break up, she realized that it wasn't love at all. She just didn't want to be all by herself.

How odd for her. She hated attention, but she didn't want to be alone. She used to crave his company, used to love the way he would follow after her like a lost puppy. Now she was sort of happy that he found a new girlfriend. Sort of. They were in love and happy, but she was miserable. Plus, he didn't talk to her anymore.

 _You always stop talking when something's wrong. Just talk to us._

Kairi used to have a bad habit of shutting people out when she was upset. Sometimes it was because something was going on in her home life. Other times…she just felt that her friends were happier without her. She felt like she was bothering them with her problems and wanted to give them space.

 _We hate you when you're like this. Well…not really "hate" but it's annoying._

The last thing she wanted to do was annoy them. So she decided to let them in on all the things that were bothering her.

 _Damn, stop complaining._

 _Stop complaining! Shut up!_

 _You always complaining about shit!_

 _We're all gonna need you to shut the fuck up because you fucking complain twenty four seven._

This confused her. Her friends wanted her to talk about her problems, but they didn't want her to talk about her problems? Friends were supposed to understand and calm you down when you're angry, make you laugh when you're sad, and cry with you when you cry. They weren't doing that at all.

And Kairi didn't even feel as though she were complaining. Sometimes she just got a little passionate when she was discussing something that made her angry. Like in math, she deserved an A in that class. But instead of getting that, she got a B because her teacher stopped putting grades in for some reason.

It wasn't that she wanted to be an overachiever. Her GPA wasn't where she wanted it to be and her counselor specifically said she wouldn't be able to reach that goal unless she made all A's on her report card for the rest of the year. That B, no matter how good the grade was, wouldn't get her where she wanted to be.

Did her friends comfort her about that? No they did not. They just told her, once again, to stop complaining.

 _What's wrong with you?_

 _Nothing._

 _Stop lying._

She didn't want to bother any of them. That's why she tried to keep silent.

 _Ugh, what's wrong now?_

 _Aw, she's just mad again._

 _For what now?_

 _Who knows? She's always mad._

No, no, no! It was anger, but that wasn't the only emotion she was capable of feeling. She was hurt, but she couldn't tell them that…or ignore them either…or lie and say she was fine. She couldn't do anything. If she shut them all out again, they'd get pissed. If she lied and said nothing was wrong, they'd get pissed. If she talked about it, they'd get pissed. What did they _want_ from her? She couldn't hide her emotions as well as others.

Vanitas was a whole different story. They had stopped talking because she didn't like his girlfriend and talked about her, but only _after_ he got mad because she said the girl was temperamental. Which she was. Kairi later apologized for it, but he still claimed to hate her.

That was fine with her. Vanitas was just too weird. She had planned to stop talking to him after high school anyway. She only had a semester left before she went off to college. Plus, they were always arguing. He never apologized, but she always did. That got old.

These things kept popping up into her head, sans Vanitas. Kairi had been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, crazy, trifling, annoying, and several other things by her own friends. She never wanted to be a bother to anybody, but she just kept fucking up somehow.

It hurt. It always did. She laid in her bed, hurting once again. This time, it was because of an argument she'd had with Xion earlier that day. Xion misunderstood her when they were texting in a group chat and she got mad. Xion told her that she didn't want to argue with a five year old and that Kairi was always complaining when she honestly wasn't. She was joking with a friend in the group chat, but it was an inside joke. Of course Xion wouldn't get it.

Everyone in their circle of friends complained. Naminé way less than others, but she still did it. Xion _especially_. In fact, Xion complained just as much as her.

Though they did apologize to one another, that didn't stop it from hurting. Kairi would never tell any of her friends this, but she felt like they all secret hated her. It was like they were only talking to her out of some form of pity. _Look at the poor lonely girl! Let's be her friend since she has no one else!_ She wanted to have friends because she was a likeable person, not because they pitied her.

Not only were her feelings hurt, but her body hurt as well. She was nauseated and her heart felt like it was beating slower than normal. There was an ache in her chest so terrible that it prevented her from falling asleep. It was a pain she didn't want to wish on anyone else.

 _Stop being so sensitive._

Did they think her level of sensitivity was a fucking switch? Like she could just turn that shit off whenever she wanted to? She couldn't fake happiness, but she wished she could. And it had only gotten worse because music- her only escape- wasn't working. Usually it'd take her mind off of things. It made her think and thinking made her feel worse.

 _Just stop giving a fuck. I don't._

What was it like to be numb? To not care? To sit back and say _Oh, I don't give a fuck_ like Naminé or to shrug it off like Xion? What was it like to actually not care about other people's opinions?

To top it all off, she was a coward. She didn't want to live anymore, but she couldn't take her own life. She was too afraid to die, she was too afraid to cut like other people, writing her feelings down didn't work in the slightest, and trying to relax and take a deep breath didn't work.

The ache in her chest usually came at night when she was all alone. As of late, the ache had been appearing when she was around her friends. They didn't need her in their life. She was annoying and complained way too much. She was an insensitive bitch that only cared about herself. She was a childish five year old, she thought the world revolved around her, she wanted attention all the time, et cetera et cetera, the list goes on.

That was what they thought of her. She felt ugly around all of them; worthless. She was nothing compared to them and she never _would_ be anything.

Finally, her sobs started. Kairi hadn't cried in a long while because she'd been holding it in. The ache was even worse now. Crying was supposed to be relieving. Where was the relief?

For years, she had been trying to be a better person. _Years_. Kairi wanted to be the likeable person that no one had a problem with. That plan failed. Whether they admitted it or not, they hated her. She was a bit blunt at times, snappy other times, but damn it, she was human. Couldn't she just fuck up every once in a while without feeling like enemy of the state?

She stayed up until about four thirty, then finally drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

XXX

Kairi's mother let her stay home the following day, which was good because it was a Friday. She only had one more week to go before Thanksgiving Break, but that was five days too long.

She laid in bed with the covers over her head for a long while with the intent of avoiding her sister. She was still pissed at her sister for calling lher stupid the night before and didn't want to see her. They, unfortunately shared the same room.

 _God doesn't like your attitude._

 _That's not music, it's screaming. That's evil._

 _You're just evil, Kairi. God help you._

 _Alright. Don't say nothing when you're burning in hell._

 _Mom, I don't know where you went wrong. Kairi turned out so…bleh._

Her sister was the "likeable" person she wanted to be. That's what everyone thought. Larxene was the holier-than-thou type that always rubbed things in Kairi's face, made her feel like shit, and played the religion card on her constantly.

Two could play that game. If they were going to talk religion, God wouldn't be happy that Larxene slept with almost anybody that gave her attention, which resulted in her getting pregnant for her ex last year, or that she swore in His name that she would stop and wait for marriage, but kept going over to her boyfriend's house to have sex with him nearly every damn day. God wouldn't like that she listened to music that was promoting fornication, adultery, drug use and everything else that's not supposed to be done.

Kairi listened to music with meaning, despite a couple songs that were meaningless, but catchy. Most of her songs sounded bad, but you had to read between the lines to truly understand the lyrics. Larxene didn't bother.

And at least Kairi was still a virgin at the age of seventeen, a goal that neither her older brother nor her older sister could accomplish

Larxene walked around the room and got ready for work. Kairi just laid still under her covers. She truly believed her sister hated her sometimes. She never apologized for making Kairi feel bad. Even when she said she didn't believe Kairi would make it in college.

Well she had already gotten accepted. She couldn't wait to go. She had to get away from the madness. Larxene could stay there and sleep with her boyfriend all she wanted to. Kairi would be furthering her education, something Larxene didn't even bother to do.

What did she do wrong? Why did Larxene hate her so much? She truly didn't understand. They got along _sometimes_ but…

They couldn't have been sisters. If they were, they'd be trying to make one another feel better, not worse. So she hoped that Larxene never asked her for a single thing. In return, she wouldn't ask her for anything either.

Once Larxene left out, Kairi sat up and checked her messages. She had none. She'd stayed home from school and no one had called or messaged her to see if she was alright. But every time _they_ were missing, she'd check on them.

This somewhat proved her theory. Her "friends" hated her. She cared about them, but they were only annoyed by her. If it were anyone else, they would've been blowing up their phone to see where they were?

Her mother came into the room and sat on her bed. "Kai, you okay?"

Kairi told her mother everything that had been going on. She tried to help her, but she could only do so much.

"I'm okay," she forced a smile.

"No you're not." She sat there and smoothed Kairi's hair. Just as the teen was about to start crying again, her mother spoke. "You wanna watch The Fifth Element in my room?"

"What's that?"

"It's a movie about…eh, I can't explain it, but it's hilarious. It has Chris Tucker in it and he's so flamboyant!"

The thought of a flamboyant Chris Tucker made her laugh. "Sure. I'll be out in a minute."

Her mother walked ahead of her and went into the living room. Kairi took one last look at her phone screen before putting it on airplane mode. Her mom knew how to make her feel better, if only for a little while.

And that was the reason why she hadn't killed herself. Her mother would miss her if no one else did. As long as someone loved her, she could keep going.

 **XXX**

 **Writing this depresses me. Ugh, I hope you're happy Don!**


End file.
